So a few moments ago, I decided that I was going to write this. I sat simply, my legs careening over the edge of my bed; my mind blank. That is to say, my decision was made, but I had absolutely no idea what to discuss. This got me thinking, brainstorming what exactly I should write about- and I started to realize that I do similar things (in so far as the act of brainstorming goes) whenever I'm trying to create something.
It's not a clear process by any means- decidedly not, even. It's vague and nebulous and requires this sense of being lost, like the first time a child becomes separated from their parent in a bustling, emotionally vacant mall. When I'm creating something, I grope around the back of my mind for a thread, just the skeleton of an idea. With this thread, I find my outline, and from there, I break it into the parts that create it- be they ink, sounds, or just future plans- and then I see if I can figure out how to improve them.
In many ways, I think that this is another form of bad faith in my life, because I often do not finish drawing the outline. I think my best examples are with music and drawing- I've got something like 30 separate little snippets of songs, and I'm still not fleshing them out and then I've got 3 or 4 drawings that I've started, but never worked on a second time. It's not that I don't think about it, but I... I get bored of it, and I move on to something else, and the boredom of completion becomes an unseen vision, the sense of future-past without clarity of dejà vu. So I'll look to them, but can't remember what I wanted them to be.
On rare days, I'll be in the middle of a task, but I'll be zoning out, lost in a labyrinth of thoughts- when inspiration strikes. I've noticed that it's frequently when I'm thinking about anything that I'm either extremely emotional about or quite apathetic about, rather than just random thoughts. Regardless, I am struck unaware with a burst of thought in the middle of of the textile's creation, and it is of better quality than most of my other ideas. There's form to these ideas, and it's these that I'm more adept at finishing. It's different, though, than my ordinary process, because I usually cannot just "work" on them in the sense that I just improve the separate parts of the idea, and I'm constantly waiting for another strike of inspiration.
I think my point is that with some discipline, I can start bringing the first realm of ideas, the threads, into the realm that the inspired ideas are in- I just need to finish the outlines, and continue fleshing them out. But... it needs to be when I start. Either that, or I need to learn how to work on my old projects.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Twentieth proof of my existence: On living conciously
Now that class is over, and I've taken a small moment to really browse over my thoughts, I think I've found some of my biggest flaws in my current state of mind when compared to my ideal state of mind.
The biggest one, the most daunting hurdle to my ascent into a lucid existence, is discipline. I must say, discipline is not something that I have a great deal of practice in. For much of my life, I've skirted by in almost every task by completing the bare minimum, taking a sort of pride in this half-planned personal obsolescence; my lack of effort while still maintaining results was my goal, that is, a balance between lazy and successful. But as I've grown, I'm starting to notice that there's no longer an excuse for that. By not having the discipline to maintain some form of active momentum in my achieving my goals, I'm practically taking one step forward and two steps back.
It's not to say that completely without discipline, however. I've made some large strides in my focus within the last few months, and I'm still making some progress. It's just frightfully slow, I guess.
Past discipline, is just the concept of self respect and self reliance. I'm quite prone to staying in, locking myself in my room, and just... melting away and forgetting about the outside world. In the past week, I've laid in my bed watching almost an entire day's worth of anime. I forget to eat, and avoid taking care of myself. Even with this knowledge, I still find it extremely difficult to break out of the habit. I think this is one of the stronger habits that I formed in the past few years, though it isn't as prevalent during my periods of activity when compared to my lack of discipline.
So for now, I believe that my next goal would be to work on taking these thoughts and actually taking the thought into the realm of action. It's one thing to know that I'm slacking off; it's another thing entirely to stop doing it.
I think Kierkegaard said it best:
"But the present generation, exhausted by its deceitful efforts, relapses into total indolence. Its condition is that of one who has only fallen asleep towards morning: first of all come great dreams, then a feeling of laziness, and finally a witty or clever excuse for staying in bed."
I would love to disagree with him, here. I'd love to say that I'm doing everything that I can to reach my grandiose and bold moves for the betterment of myself and society... but right now, it's 4:36 in the morning, and I've yet to go to bed. More than likely, I'm going to wake up and roll over, take a shower, and go back to bed.
This is my life, for now- I'm working on changing it one action at a time.
The biggest one, the most daunting hurdle to my ascent into a lucid existence, is discipline. I must say, discipline is not something that I have a great deal of practice in. For much of my life, I've skirted by in almost every task by completing the bare minimum, taking a sort of pride in this half-planned personal obsolescence; my lack of effort while still maintaining results was my goal, that is, a balance between lazy and successful. But as I've grown, I'm starting to notice that there's no longer an excuse for that. By not having the discipline to maintain some form of active momentum in my achieving my goals, I'm practically taking one step forward and two steps back.
It's not to say that completely without discipline, however. I've made some large strides in my focus within the last few months, and I'm still making some progress. It's just frightfully slow, I guess.
Past discipline, is just the concept of self respect and self reliance. I'm quite prone to staying in, locking myself in my room, and just... melting away and forgetting about the outside world. In the past week, I've laid in my bed watching almost an entire day's worth of anime. I forget to eat, and avoid taking care of myself. Even with this knowledge, I still find it extremely difficult to break out of the habit. I think this is one of the stronger habits that I formed in the past few years, though it isn't as prevalent during my periods of activity when compared to my lack of discipline.
So for now, I believe that my next goal would be to work on taking these thoughts and actually taking the thought into the realm of action. It's one thing to know that I'm slacking off; it's another thing entirely to stop doing it.
I think Kierkegaard said it best:
"But the present generation, exhausted by its deceitful efforts, relapses into total indolence. Its condition is that of one who has only fallen asleep towards morning: first of all come great dreams, then a feeling of laziness, and finally a witty or clever excuse for staying in bed."
I would love to disagree with him, here. I'd love to say that I'm doing everything that I can to reach my grandiose and bold moves for the betterment of myself and society... but right now, it's 4:36 in the morning, and I've yet to go to bed. More than likely, I'm going to wake up and roll over, take a shower, and go back to bed.
This is my life, for now- I'm working on changing it one action at a time.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
Nineteenth proof of my Existence: On Existentialism
Existentialism is the act of living consciously, with responsibility and authenticity towards one's self and society, in order to fully appreciate the dichotomy of absurdity and beauty in the world.
That's how I see it, at least. I mean, it's a very mutable philosophy, constantly growing and evolving and morphing and congealing upon itself, slowly becoming that which it is. To me, this as a template for a kind of lucid being is a fantastical concept; that there can be other people trying to look through this philosophy as a lens gives me hope for a world beyond that which I seem to pay the most attention to.
I named this blog "There is a potential universe in which I exist." because there have been times in my life that I did not believe this. It is a statement of personal choice, as I am attempting to create some form of consistency for myself, though it initially served as a grade. I've kept a number of half-journals through the years, as a sort of tether to the world- when I descend into a state of unhappiness, I sometimes browse through my journals, trying to find some half finished idea, or some memory that can pull me back into reality. It's not really fun for me to live with my head in the clouds anymore; now that I've felt the ground underneath my feet, and coincidentally realized that I might actually be capable of creating happiness, I know that while it's not easy to live consciously, the results are worth the effort.
In the past few months, I've had to confront many my personal demons, with varying levels of success. I've struggled with my focus, with my family, with finances, and fulfilling myself as a lucid being has fallen to the wayside, for much of it. There have been a few times when I've considered just packing my stuff and leaving, not looking back. Just as an escape, really, to avoid facing the things that are brooding over my horizon.
But right now, I can't help but feel excited for my future. It's going to be difficult, and there are going to be many facets to what I need to work on. I know that I'm living in bad faith, in multiple places, in my life. I'm far from true to who I want to be and I have a lot of work on the path towards self respect and honesty. But... knowing this is new. I've never gone this deep, so to speak, into why I've acted this way, and why I've felt this way.
So more than anything else, existentialism, to me, is a way to feel comfortable in my skin. It's self respect and responsibility, to myself and to the people around me. I've lived in a bubble for a long time, and I still have a lot to work on- and now I know that there is a world out there.
It almost seems trivial to me, but these realizations are already making huge changes in how I perceive my life.
That's how I see it, at least. I mean, it's a very mutable philosophy, constantly growing and evolving and morphing and congealing upon itself, slowly becoming that which it is. To me, this as a template for a kind of lucid being is a fantastical concept; that there can be other people trying to look through this philosophy as a lens gives me hope for a world beyond that which I seem to pay the most attention to.
I named this blog "There is a potential universe in which I exist." because there have been times in my life that I did not believe this. It is a statement of personal choice, as I am attempting to create some form of consistency for myself, though it initially served as a grade. I've kept a number of half-journals through the years, as a sort of tether to the world- when I descend into a state of unhappiness, I sometimes browse through my journals, trying to find some half finished idea, or some memory that can pull me back into reality. It's not really fun for me to live with my head in the clouds anymore; now that I've felt the ground underneath my feet, and coincidentally realized that I might actually be capable of creating happiness, I know that while it's not easy to live consciously, the results are worth the effort.
In the past few months, I've had to confront many my personal demons, with varying levels of success. I've struggled with my focus, with my family, with finances, and fulfilling myself as a lucid being has fallen to the wayside, for much of it. There have been a few times when I've considered just packing my stuff and leaving, not looking back. Just as an escape, really, to avoid facing the things that are brooding over my horizon.
But right now, I can't help but feel excited for my future. It's going to be difficult, and there are going to be many facets to what I need to work on. I know that I'm living in bad faith, in multiple places, in my life. I'm far from true to who I want to be and I have a lot of work on the path towards self respect and honesty. But... knowing this is new. I've never gone this deep, so to speak, into why I've acted this way, and why I've felt this way.
So more than anything else, existentialism, to me, is a way to feel comfortable in my skin. It's self respect and responsibility, to myself and to the people around me. I've lived in a bubble for a long time, and I still have a lot to work on- and now I know that there is a world out there.
It almost seems trivial to me, but these realizations are already making huge changes in how I perceive my life.
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Eighteenth proof of my Existence: On bad faith and lucidity
In class today, we discussed a thought experiment about a "good-life" salesman; selling the ideas of how to best live one's life with two choices- living a life of avoiding bad faith and living a life without worrying about bad faith.
I didn't really think too much of this in class today. Lately, my thoughts have been extremely convoluted; I'm worrying about money, I'm worrying about music, I'm worrying about my family, and everything else has kind of faded into the background. It's been mostly to my detriment, by sleeping in and missing class, I feel like I have deducted points out of some imaginary "existentialism" piggy bank, and lost out on a meaningful discussion that could, with time, make a huge impact on my life.
Fortunately, I didn't miss the day on bad faith, and that kinda woke me up into a state of lucid consciousness again. I've taken the past few days with a grain of salt, and I've paid attention to some of my habits. Since everything in my life tends to point me towards music, I'll use that as a foil to explain my thoughts on Sartre's bad faith.
I said in my last post that my guitar practice has been a source of bad faith, and I stand by that; today, however, I inspected it a little bit more closely than I had before, and I think that it's worse than I thought it was. That is, I know that I've been slacking on the practice, but more than that, I'm not paying attention to what I'm playing. So in a very real sense, I'm not lucid of my decisions while I'm doing the one thing that frees me from what Sartre would call my anguish, but I'm instead wrapping myself up within it- I'm basking in it without even noticing how ignorant I am of my playing, of my note choice, of my melodies.
I spoke in class, today, and I said that I'd rather know why I'm sad than not know why I'm happy; and now that I have a clear cut, personally dear issue to really case my argument, it makes a lot more sense. Because when I pay attention to my music, when I really take the time to swim through it, rather than just gliding along with my head lost in the clouds, I appreciate it more. I can play my melody with conviction, knowing that it's going to highlight and support the notes of the chords underneath it, rather than just dancing all over the fretboard, ecstatic but blissfully ignorant of how mechanical my playing is. When I play with the conviction of my lucidity, when I consciously choose my notes and control my future, it's not just happiness that I find- it's a very real sense of self actualization.
So yes, I have lived without worrying about bad faith- as my happy and aimless love of my music has carried me through my life many years- but now that I know the difference, and I can hear my own, unique voice flourishing with my awareness, I don't think I'll ever go back. I can't imagine going back, when this is so much more fulfilling.
I think I'll have to go with avoiding bad faith. It has made me appreciate my life a little bit more, even if only for moments at a time.
I didn't really think too much of this in class today. Lately, my thoughts have been extremely convoluted; I'm worrying about money, I'm worrying about music, I'm worrying about my family, and everything else has kind of faded into the background. It's been mostly to my detriment, by sleeping in and missing class, I feel like I have deducted points out of some imaginary "existentialism" piggy bank, and lost out on a meaningful discussion that could, with time, make a huge impact on my life.
Fortunately, I didn't miss the day on bad faith, and that kinda woke me up into a state of lucid consciousness again. I've taken the past few days with a grain of salt, and I've paid attention to some of my habits. Since everything in my life tends to point me towards music, I'll use that as a foil to explain my thoughts on Sartre's bad faith.
I said in my last post that my guitar practice has been a source of bad faith, and I stand by that; today, however, I inspected it a little bit more closely than I had before, and I think that it's worse than I thought it was. That is, I know that I've been slacking on the practice, but more than that, I'm not paying attention to what I'm playing. So in a very real sense, I'm not lucid of my decisions while I'm doing the one thing that frees me from what Sartre would call my anguish, but I'm instead wrapping myself up within it- I'm basking in it without even noticing how ignorant I am of my playing, of my note choice, of my melodies.
I spoke in class, today, and I said that I'd rather know why I'm sad than not know why I'm happy; and now that I have a clear cut, personally dear issue to really case my argument, it makes a lot more sense. Because when I pay attention to my music, when I really take the time to swim through it, rather than just gliding along with my head lost in the clouds, I appreciate it more. I can play my melody with conviction, knowing that it's going to highlight and support the notes of the chords underneath it, rather than just dancing all over the fretboard, ecstatic but blissfully ignorant of how mechanical my playing is. When I play with the conviction of my lucidity, when I consciously choose my notes and control my future, it's not just happiness that I find- it's a very real sense of self actualization.
So yes, I have lived without worrying about bad faith- as my happy and aimless love of my music has carried me through my life many years- but now that I know the difference, and I can hear my own, unique voice flourishing with my awareness, I don't think I'll ever go back. I can't imagine going back, when this is so much more fulfilling.
I think I'll have to go with avoiding bad faith. It has made me appreciate my life a little bit more, even if only for moments at a time.
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