Twentieth proof of my existence: On living conciously

Now that class is over, and I've taken a small moment to really browse over my thoughts, I think I've found some of my biggest flaws in my current state of mind when compared to my ideal state of mind.

The biggest one, the most daunting hurdle to my ascent into a lucid existence, is discipline. I must say, discipline is not something that I have a great deal of practice in. For much of my life, I've skirted by in almost every task by completing the bare minimum, taking a sort of pride in this half-planned personal obsolescence; my lack of effort while still maintaining results was my goal, that is, a balance between lazy and successful. But as I've grown, I'm starting to notice that there's no longer an excuse for that. By not having the discipline to maintain some form of active momentum in my achieving my goals, I'm practically taking one step forward and two steps back.

It's not to say that completely without discipline, however. I've made some large strides in my focus within the last few months, and I'm still making some progress. It's just frightfully slow, I guess.

Past discipline, is just the concept of self respect and self reliance. I'm quite prone to staying in, locking myself in my room, and just... melting away and forgetting about the outside world. In the past week, I've laid in my bed watching almost an entire day's worth of anime. I forget to eat, and avoid taking care of myself. Even with this knowledge, I still find it extremely difficult to break out of the habit. I think this is one of the stronger habits that I formed in the past few years, though it isn't as prevalent during my periods of activity when compared to my lack of discipline.

So for now, I believe that my next goal would be to work on taking these thoughts and actually taking the thought into the realm of action. It's one thing to know that I'm slacking off; it's another thing entirely to stop doing it.

I think Kierkegaard said it best:

"But the present generation, exhausted by its deceitful efforts, relapses into total indolence. Its condition is that of one who has only fallen asleep towards morning: first of all come great dreams, then a feeling of laziness, and finally a witty or clever excuse for staying in bed."

I would love to disagree with him, here. I'd love to say that I'm doing everything that I can to reach my grandiose and bold moves for the betterment of myself and society... but right now, it's 4:36 in the morning, and I've yet to go to bed. More than likely, I'm going to wake up and roll over, take a shower, and go back to bed.

This is my life, for now- I'm working on changing it one action at a time.