Nineteenth proof of my Existence: On Existentialism

Existentialism is the act of living consciously, with responsibility and authenticity towards one's self and society, in order to fully appreciate the dichotomy of absurdity and beauty in the world.

That's how I see it, at least. I mean, it's a very mutable philosophy, constantly growing and evolving and morphing and congealing upon itself, slowly becoming that which it is. To me, this as a template for a kind of lucid being is a fantastical concept; that there can be other people trying to look through this philosophy as a lens gives me hope for a world beyond that which I seem to pay the most attention to.

I named this blog "There is a potential universe in which I exist." because there have been times in my life that I did not believe this. It is a statement of personal choice, as I am attempting to create some form of consistency for myself, though it initially served as a grade. I've kept a number of half-journals through the years, as a sort of tether to the world- when I descend into a state of unhappiness, I sometimes browse through my journals, trying to find some half finished idea, or some memory that can pull me back into reality. It's not really fun for me to live with my head in the clouds anymore; now that I've felt the ground underneath my feet, and coincidentally realized that I might actually be capable of creating happiness, I know that while it's not easy to live consciously, the results are worth the effort.

In the past few months, I've had to confront many my personal demons, with varying levels of success. I've struggled with my focus, with my family, with finances, and fulfilling myself as a lucid being has fallen to the wayside, for much of it. There have been a few times when I've considered just packing my stuff and leaving, not looking back. Just as an escape, really, to avoid facing the things that are brooding over my horizon.

But right now, I can't help but feel excited for my future. It's going to be difficult, and there are going to be many facets to what I need to work on. I know that I'm living in bad faith, in multiple places, in my life. I'm far from true to who I want to be and I have a lot of work on the path towards self respect and honesty. But... knowing this is new. I've never gone this deep, so to speak, into why I've acted this way, and why I've felt this way.

So more than anything else, existentialism, to me, is a way to feel comfortable in my skin. It's self respect and responsibility, to myself and to the people around me. I've lived in a bubble for a long time, and I still have a lot to work on- and now I know that there is a world out there.

It almost seems trivial to me, but these realizations are already making huge changes in how I perceive my life.