Twelfth proof of my existence: On Dostoevsky's 'Notes from the Underground'

When I was younger, I based my entire existence on the premise that the world was inherently unjust, and that as a moral agent, it was my moral responsibility, that is to say obligation, to rebel against this system. I did not act out of self interest, rather I acted out of spite, reminiscing over how unfree I was, save my thoughts and actions.

In that past, I would say that I agree with the Underground man in almost every sense. Were my liver to have gone bad, I feel that I would not have taken care of it, simply to hold power over my circumstance. I would suffer, but I would suffer with the knowledge that I was asserting my thoughts upon my world. It would suck, physically, but I could think of no greater cause for self determination.

Now? I'm not so certain that this would be my choice. I would certainly suggest a more moderate view of sorts, so far as asserting our ability to choose a non-good is an integral piece of free will; however, I also feel that it is our goal- as opposed to obligation- as individuals to care for ourselves and more often than not act in self interest. So while I would certainly act of spite on occasion, often out of emotional distress, I would sooner act in the interest of myself and those ideals that I hold as important. This way, I feel, is both more rational and also irrational; I do not feel that the ideals showed in Dostoevsky's notes are mutually exclusive, because I believe that it's possible to live by personal choice as well as by the greatest self interest.

Why is it that he claims that acting out of self injury is the greatest advantage? This confused me- I understand that it's the crux of free will, in his argument, but to call that an advantage? I'm defining advantage as "A condition or circumstance that puts one in a favorable or superior position."; by this definition, I cannot see how self injury can possibly be beneficial. I mean, there's certainly a personal sense of control, I suppose, but beyond that I'm lost.

Sometimes, though, spite is the best choice we have- especially in the face of injustice.