Eleventh proof of my existence: On Nietzsche and Consciousness and how I'm incapable of not rambling.

Today we discussed the thought experiment that Nietzsche proposed, of the demon which tells you of infinite recurrence.

I... am not sure how I would react to this quandary. I mean, from just the text, I guess I'd more than likely ask the demon to prove to me that it would be the case, because I would immediately assume that I was dreaming if a demon popped out of nowhere talking to me. Assuming that would be taken care of and I had proof or whatever, I'd probably be terribly depressed. I mean, I've had some pretty good times, but I've had far, far more bad times. Knowing that I would have to eternally live through that would be tantamount to enduring a personal hell again.

I've been through a lot that I don't really talk about; in the past 4 years, I've gotten past addiction, my mother has passed away, my younger brother has been arrested, my entire family has splintered because of the arrest and the reason for the arrest, leading to my stepmother and father to get a divorce. I broke up with my fiancé from an almost 7 year relationship and immediately hopped into a rebound that, while great for a few months, ultimately broke my heart. I'm terrified of life when I'm at my worst. I've certainly grown from these circumstances, and I've channeled my sadness into my music, but... I've tried, actively, to commit suicide in my past. I've barely clung onto life each time, and since I'm assuming that the demon would be visiting me in the future, that insinuates that I've yet to reach my lowest. Frankly, if that's the case, I don't think that any amount of self actualization could possibly bring me out of that despair.

Of course, there has been quite a lot of good, as well. I just... I dunno, I have trouble seeing it. Obviously I'm still here, so the moments or extended spans of time have been worth living for, and I certainly enjoy playing guitar enough to make it a career. Honestly, it's my lack of perspective on how to see and harness the good in life that drove me to enroll in this class; firstly, I've had an interest in existentialism for a number of years, and secondly, because Thad was the instructor, and then the pin that cemented the deal was that it was a summer class.

I took Thad's PHI 101 course my freshman year of college, back in '08, and he was my very first professor, the first professor I talked to at ASU as a student. In retrospect, I can't imagine anything more pertinent to his influence on me as an ASU student- even just looking forward from that, in September of 2011, I was extremely depressed and I remember encountering Thad in passing, walking through Coor, and he remembered me by name, and said that I had struck him at some point. I guess it's not that unique, but I only remember speaking up in PHI 101 a single time; and on that particular day, I was particularly lonely. So it it just... it sparked something in me, really. If nothing else, I knew that I was interested in taking another class with Thad. And since you're reading this, Thad, I'm sorry that I'm talking about you in third person so much, and I'm too damn shy to actually thank you for all of this in person; you've had an incredible impact on me as a person, and I thank you immeasurably for that.

Tying this back to the whole demon thing...

Now, if I had the ten years after this visitation like we talked about in class, I might fight and cling to life, building up my ability to face and transcend my past, to fight as hard as I possibly could to make sure that my life was worth something. I think that in the face of such sadness, I would have no other choice. I mean, I've fought tooth and nail to get to where I am now, and I have no plans on giving up again. This doesn't mean that I won't, and I'm terrified of that, but at this juncture, I'm certain of my ability to hold on to rational thought through adversity. I am, in fact, alive (much to my former self's dismay, though I do appreciate the humour of being depressed about being a "failure" and then ultimately failing at suicide.) and with that in mind, I'm doing only myself a disservice by not continuing to look to personal improvement.

So really, I don't know. If I ever meet this demon, I guess I'll found out. Until then, I think I'll just pretend that I have, and face my past as though I've still got the next ten years to live. Because if I've learned anything from my life, it's that there are moments to be found in the future that make it worth living.